(An email that I sent this week to my family)

Dear family,

This report is certainly delayed because term 3 was completed back in November, and yet I am just reporting to you now. I have four months of the program left and I am excited to be finished, and yet I am enjoying every bit of the learning! 

The assigned books have all been instructive. I have four assigned books I am reading now, but our teacher will also "count" hours of reading other books that are beneficial for my spiritual progression, so I am able to count any spiritual study towards my hours, which is great. I have not minded reading the assigned books, nor have I begrudged the written assignments. I am not only learning facts and methods, but I am stretching emotionally and spiritually.

One of the things we have learned is to allow people we are visiting with to "sit" in/with their emotions.  Whatever it is that a person is feeling is acceptable. We should not tell people not to feel that way nor try to rush them along, even if it is a "negative" emotion. "To feel is to heal," so the concept goes.  Get it out, talk about it, lean into it, work through it, and then you will be able to move on from it.  As I have learned this concept, I have realized what a poor job I did as a mother in this regard.  I am absolutely sure that when one of you had a negative emotion during your childhood years, that I tried to distract you from feeling it or I tried to rush you along.  Of course, I thought I was helping you, but I should have let you sit and be sad for a while, or angry, or whatever. There is a large amount of introspection in this course and I have realized many mistakes I have made in the past along with much I need to currently work on.

Of course, the highlight of the course has been the people I have met, both the hospice patients and the residents of Sunrise Assisted Living. I have been visiting some patients weekly now since March, which means I have come to know them and love them! It is really sad for me when they pass away, but I have to learn to deal with that, as there will be many goodbyes. I have found that attending their funerals when possible helps me with the closure process, as well as writing in my journal detailing the things I learned from them. Sometimes I have a chance to say goodbye, and other times I do not. Those patients who are afflicted with severe physical limitations or dementia are blessed to pass on, in my opinion. I could go on and on about the people I visit with, but I will spare you the lengthy details.

Overall, I hope that this course has helped me to become a more compassionate, less judgmental, kinder, and more sensitive person. I want to be a person who others feel comfortable talking with, including each of you.

Thank you for your support in my journey!

Love,

Mom

 

This book provided many listening techniques, many of which I found to be very helpful. For example:

In teaching how to listen, I instruct people how to respond to criticism, one of the most difficult parts of listening. I urge them not to deny any form of criticism.  If you respond with critical comments, that is just doing what they are doing. I also urge them not to get defensive of counterattack. When criticized, you can assertively cope by offering no resistance or hard psychological striking surfaces to critical statements thrown at you (pg. 57).

The more you are aware of the emotion, the more you can determine how you will act or behave. Acting out occurs when you feel driven to do something, but you do not know why. There is less acting out if you stay in touch with the emotion. Acting out is having your emotions drive your behavior. When you are not aware of your emotions, there is a greater chance that you will act on those unfelt emotions (pg. 51).

I believe that one should listen first and witness second.  Listening builds rapport and trust (pg. 8). The greatest gift you can give your children is to pay attention to them and listen intently (pg. 9). Being an effective listener is one of the greatest gifts you can ever give to another (pg. 10).

I’m not sure about what I just heard, but I would like to check something out with you…
I’m wondering if…
It seems to me that…
Tentative language always uses “I” for the subject of inference, not “you” as a direct address (pg. 99).

 

This was a required book this term for my chaplain class and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I learned many principles and lessons, such as:

Each of us is unfinished, a work in progress.  Perhaps it would be most accurate to add the word “yet” to all our assessments of ourselves and each other. It changes everything (pg. 223).

God’s presence in the house is an inner experience that never changes.  It’s a relationship that’s there all the time, even when we’re not paying attention to it.  Perhaps the Infinite holds us to Itself in the same way the earth does.  Like gravity, if it ever stopped we would know it instantly.  But it never does (pg. 265).

Each of us heals in our own way. Some people heal because they have work to do. Others heal because they have been released from their work and the pressures and expectations that others place on them.  Some people need music, others need silence, some need people around them, others heal alone. Many different things can activate and strengthen the life force in us (pg. 18).

As women, we knew there was something simple and natural in just being there, together.  Women have always been present at these times, at death and birth and in many of the other transitions in life. Women have gathered at the transitions, as comforters and companions, as witnesses, to mark the importance of the moment (pgs. 44, 45).

When we listen, we offer with our attention an opportunity for wholeness. Our listening creates sanctuary for the homeless parts within the other person.  That which has been denied, unloved, devalued by themselves and by others. That which is hidden. Listening creates a holy silence.  When you listen generously to people, they can hear truth in themselves, often for the first time. And in the silence of listening, you can know yourself in everyone (pg. 220).

I can remember the day this picture was taken, many years ago.  Our son was playing in an ultimate frisbee tournament and he and his team were playing hard, as evidenced by the dirt on his uniform. When our son's emotions were intense, he would talk to his dad between games, and his dad knew how to listen.

 

One of the attributes that I most admire about my husband is his non-rushed, calm way of listening. He is a good sounding board.  He does not become so emotionally charged that he cannot reason or think clearly. He knows when to give people space. In this case, he would wait until our son was ready to talk, and then he would be available. He is a diffuser and a calming presence.

 

This was an assigned book for my chaplain class and I thought it was helpful and informative.  Ms. Allen reminds us to name our emotions and let them surface instead of burying them and trying to suppress them.  The biggest take away from the book is to begin sentences with "I feel________," or invite others to begin their sentences with that line. Here are a few other good points:

You don’t have to tell everyone; you have to tell someone (pg. 62).

Listen intently.  Listen fully (pg. 81).

The hard gets lighter as we carry it together (pg. 106).

Any doctor or counselor will tell you it’s not enough to take medicine.  It’s not enough to treat the chemical problem.  You have to learn to name the pain, share the pain, and heal from the pain. That can take a long time because we spent decades learning how to control, cope, or conceal (pg. 121). 

This is the only human who has ever walked the face of the earth who actually had the power to solve the problem of death, both in the moment and for eternity.  And yet Fix-It Jesus does not show up here.  Feel-It Jesus shows up and weeps with His friend who is weeping (pg. 150).