Me Thinks

My children are grown and out of the home, but I still love reading parenting books.  My daughter shared with me twenty disciplining mistakes to avoid from the book pictured above. I agree--these are mistakes that are easy to make! I needed this back years ago, like maybe beginning in 1986 when my oldest turned two.  It would have been helpful for me to read this list every month for the thirty years I had children in the home:)

1- When our discipline is consequence based instead of teaching based. 

The consequences should not be your end goal.

2- We think that we can’t be warm and nurturing while disciplining. 

Be strong and consistent but in a compassionate way.

3- We confuse consistency with rigidity.

4- We talk too much. 

Use more nonverbal communication. Nod. Rub their shoulder.

5- We focus on the behavior not on the “why” behind the behavior. 

6- We forget to focus on “how” we say what we say. 

Aim to be kind and respectful whenever we talk to our kids.

7- We communicate that our kids shouldn’t express big feelings. 

Don’t communicate to your kids that you only want to be with them if they are happy and calm. Be there for them even when they’re at their worst. 

8- We overreact so our kids focus on our overreaction rather than their own behavior. 

Then the parents are the ones in the wrong. If you feel yourself about to overreact then step back, take a breath, and save the conversation for when you can be calm.

9- We don’t repair the conflict. 

Address our own misbehavior and ask for forgiveness. Repair as soon as we can. 

10- We lay down the law in an emotional reactive moment, then realize we’ve overreacted. 

“You can’t go swimming for the rest of the vacation!” Give yourself the permission to rectify the proclamation you made that was way too harsh. You want to follow through with your words so try to avoid giving dramatic consequences. And if you do, You can admit that you overreacted and you’ve changed your mind. Or use the “one more chance” card. “I didn’t like what you did but I’ll give you one more chance.”

11- We forget that our children may sometimes need our help to make good choices or calm themselves down- especially with small children. 

Connect with your child and help them redirect and make better choices. 

12- We consider an audience when disciplining. 

It’s not fair to your children to change your discipline tactics when you’re in front of your in-laws or fiends at the park. Be consistent. Remove that temptation and if you need to you can pull your child aside and talk to them privately, if you don’t want to have the discipline conversation in front of others.

13- We get trapped in power struggles. 

Negotiate. “Do you have any suggestions?”

14- We discipline in response to our habits and feelings instead of responding to our individual child in a particular moment. 

We may lash out because WE are tired, or grumpy, or because another child misbehaved earlier. But don’t unfairly take it out on your children. Respond only to what’s taking place in that instant. 

15- We embarrass our kids by correcting them in front of others. 

Pull her close and whisper. Or step to the side. Embarrassment will just take your child’s focus away from the lesson you want to teach. 

16- We assume the worst before letting our kids explain. 

Sometimes kids’ behavior isn’t as bad as it seems. Don’t jump to judgement and consequences without calmly figuring out what is really going on. 

17- We dismiss our kids experience. 

When we say “why are you crying about this? You’re just tired. This isn’t a big deal.” - those are hurtful and dismissive. We can help them deal with their emotions and calm down, but we shouldn’t dismiss the real emotions they are feeling. 

18- We expect too much. 

We shouldn’t expect our children to behave well all the time. They are children. They aren’t developmentally ready. Just because we’ve seen our child handle things well sometimes doesn’t mean they are capable of handling things well all of the time. Their capacity to make decisions well will really fluctuate while they are young.

19- We let experts trump our own instincts as parents. 

Experts can be authors, speakers, friends, mother in laws, etc. Fill your discipline toolbox with lots of tools from different experts and “non-experts”. Then listen to your own instincts and pick and choose what fits best with your own parenting style and your individual children, or the specific situation at the moment.

20- We’re too hard on ourselves. 

Give yourself a break. Love your kids, set clear boundaries, discipline with love, and say you’re sorry when you mess up.