Me Thinks

Do you want to be humbled? Then go back to college in your 50's. 

My life before going back to school was not graded.  I was hard on myself, but if dinner did not turn out the way I had hoped, I did not receive a low grade from someone else on it. I am not used to so much critiquing and criticizing, but it is good for me and it is humbling.

I spent hours on a paper for my Civilization class and the teacher never looked at it.  The grading of papers in that class is left to the TA's, one of whom is Jacob. Jacob had some good things to say about my paper and also pointed out ways in which I could have done better. My grade on that particular paper was lower than I had expected, but I respect Jacob's opinion and I will try and improve my writing for the next paper. I'm glad that he did not hold back in his comments just because I am decades older than him. What he had to say was correct and helpful, though it stung a little.

Everyday I receive a grade on something I have done for school. I "put myself out there" over and over again. Happily I am not being graded on the person I am, but rather on the paper, test, or assignment I turned in. I have to remind myself of this over and over again, that they are not grading me, but my work, and there is a big difference there! I am a daughter of God and am of infinite worth, even though I did not perform perfectly on the test. I have to work to keep my attitude up, saying things like "You can do this," or "You are not afraid to work," so as to deflect the negative feelings that come with grades. I think one must be emotionally strong to face college. Going back to school has put me in a different place, a place where I need to be tough-skinned.

Sometimes the hardest part for me is that the grade does not match the amount of effort, but this is another good lesson. In a competitive world, effort is important but not enough. The effort must be channeled into the completion of a polished product. The fact is that some people produce a polished product in a much shorter amount of time than others, and that's life!

Now in defense of the effort part of the equation, these hours upon hours of trying have been the most remarkable part of the journey.  

I just keep trying, writing, reading, studying, and learning. 

I am growing so much in the process.