I wasn’t aware at the time, but I was addicted to being busy and my worth was being measured by the amount of items on my checklist, including how well I did them. There was no room for error, no room for flaw. It didn’t matter how well I performed or how many activities I was involved in, there was always more to be done, something I could do better, or something I was lacking (pg. 13).
My thinking became skewed and my perspective distorted. The only way I knew how to handle my failures and insecurities was to work harder and be harder on myself, because perfectionism doesn’t give room for growing. It expects perfect results, every day, all the time (p. 13).
I had feared stillness my entire life. I feared that if I stayed put, sat, or took time to rest, that I would fall behind. As a perfectionist, my mind was never still. Loud noises, voices, guilt, and stress constantly occupied my mind. Moving kept me going. When I was moving, I felt like I was progressing. Constant movement was also costing me the companionship of the Spirit. Constant movement, physical and mental, was making it harder and harder to feel and hear the Holy Ghost (pg. 53).
The terrifying experience of forced stillness was the greatest blessing I never knew to ask for. Forced stillness made me stop and listen. All of a sudden I was teachable. I was open and available to hear God’s voice. Maybe God allowed these stumbling blocks to happen, because it was the only way I would listen. Maybe God truly had a better way (pgs. 54,55).
Perfectionism is all about glorifying oneself rather than glorifying God. When we stay grounded in our worth, when we choose to please God and glorify Him, we no longer need the world to approve of what we do. We no longer need acceptance from everyone around us. When we focus solely on praising God and glorifying Him, we begin to hear His voice, and that voice overcomes fear (pg. 136).
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