Me Thinks

One of the highlights of my week was sitting together with three widows for a couple of hours, all of whom have lost husbands in the last two years. I am so impressed with them! These three are strong and faithful women and are handling their situations as best they can. Although they are grieving, they do not dwell on the sadness and loss but find ways to love and support one another and carry on. I listened, felt great compassion and admiration, and I learned.  May I share some of what I heard that day?

1. There are some people who seem to be "tragedy seekers," going about wanting to know personal details of a situation, even if they are not otherwise connected to the individual or family. Avoid barging in and asking details if you are not already close friends with the family.

2. Instead of asking, "What can I do for you?", think of something to do for the individual/family and do it.

3. Instead of walking past a grieving person and not saying anything because you are afraid it will make you sad or it will make them sad, or you just don't know what to say, say something. Look at them with love and validate that you see them and feel for them.

4. When someone asks a grieving widow, "How are you?" the answer is pretty obvious. The widow is most likely feeling sad, grief-stricken, and very lonely and apprehensive. Should they fake their answer and tell you that everything is okay? Instead find something else to say, such as "I'm sorry for you," or "I'm glad to see you," or "I am feeling for you."

 5. Do not hesitate to bring up the person who has died.  One widow said how much it meant to her when people told her they missed her husband.  Another added that she did not want her husband to be forgotten.  Talking about the deceased reassures the widows that their husbands are remembered. Acknowledge a great man and a life lived!

6. Allow space.  Though you may be willing to talk, a grieving person may not be ready or wanting to share and yet there may come a time when they would like to talk.  According to my friends, a grieving person needs both space and socialization, on their terms and when they feel like it. 

This week I also listened to an incredible talk by Jennie Taylor called "Ministering to Those Who Have Lost a Loved One." She added a few more things:

People are never done grieving. Grief is a process.

It is physically tiring to grieve.

Make a list of mortal tasks that need to be done and take some of the tasks (some of the "Martha matters") off their back. (Or give them a choice of "A" or "B.")

Do not say "He is in a better place."

God can make reason of everything that happens.

Make a phone call, send a text, or drop off a treat on a holiday, anniversary, or birthday.

Share memories of the person. 

Reach out to the children and think of something to do for them, or with them.

When reaching out to a grieving person, it is not your job to fix it. Help them to face it. The Savior fixes and heals but we can help each other face it.